But its not just the lonliness. I think my biggest problem is my lack of goals. It's January, and so everyone is talking about their goals for the year. I don't have any. I am very happy with the direction The Unique Sheep is going, and so I suppose a goal would be to keep it going in that direction, to keep it growing and fresh. But thats not much of a goal, really. I have other goals for my life, but nothing that I can work towards right now. I desperately want a home that I own with land for animals and gardens and space to breath. But thats not going to be possible for many years. My husband is in his second year of medical school which means that in 2 more years its likely that we will have to move to whichever city hosts the hospital where he is to do his residency. Its possible that we will buy a house then, but even so we will likely only be there for 4 years until his residency is over and its time to look for a more permanent position. And of course we have no idea where his residency will be, or where he will end up after that. He has promised me (and a grant committee) that we will end up in North Carolina, but who knows where, or if we will have to go elsewhere before then. So for now I'm stuck in an apartment that is adequate. I'm able to cram a surprising amount into it, including a dye studio, dog and rabbit. And a tiny bit of living space, on the side. But I always feel claustrophobic and its useless trying to keep it neat and clean. Even after I've spent a weekend cleaning it still looks like a mess because there isn't actually space to put everything away. And it doesn't feel like home to me, so I've never taken the time to decorate. Our lease runs out in May, and I am thinking about trying to find a town house to move into. That might help. But still, it would be a rental. It wouldn't be mine, and to me that matters.
I know that real estate is almost worthless now a days, but I guess I'm from a generation that still believed that the only thing with real, physical value was land. A place that was owned, not just financially (though thats important), but owned by your soul, as well. A place that you can change and make your own. Where if you want to paint murals on the walls or tear down the walls, you can. Land that will provide you with plants to eat and air to breath. A place where you can create and grow.
On most days I am able to accept that I can't have everything I want immediately, and that some things require patience. But I am also afraid that if I learn patience too well I'll be waiting all my life.